Stages of a Trainer Session

Since the blistery cold weather has returned to us (or atleast is knocking on our door), my poor circulation has deemed it nearly impossible to ride outside anymore. Hence, the trainer is once again getting some love and attention.

 

I’m not sure about you, but I dread the trainer. I have written numerous posts about hating it. Yes, when I first bought mine years ago working nights, I was stoked to have it so I could ride at night in the dark. Now, though, I drag my feet walking upstairs to where I have my trainer parked. I know trainer sessions are an integral part of training for a triathlon, and I just have to buck up and do trainer workouts as planned. I’m simply not happy about them. I am not saying that they are easy workouts; I’m pretty sure I sweat more than an overweight man in a sauna when I am riding; and my heart rate is able to skyrocket in minutes. But, the simple fact I am riding so hard and so far and getting no where drives me nuts (like running on the dreadmill).

When I was finishing up my trainer workout the other day I came up with the emotional stages one might go through while on the trainer…And I have pictures that go along with the stages. (What else do you do when you are bored out of your mind than take incredibly awkward selfies of yourself looking horribly sweaty and disgusting?) Note: I am not one of those people who find it necessary to be caked in makeup whilst exercising. Infact, I am not one to feel it necessary to brush her hair before it, either.

Stage 1: The Warm Up

At this point, you have just started, warming up your legs, becoming adjusted to the bike

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“I’m just flipping through the songs on my iPod. Only 55 minutes to go”

 

Stage 2:  Boredom 

At this stage, you start looking at your surroundings, wishing you were somewhere else. Envy of people doing any activity other than riding on a trainer starts erupting.

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“Hmm, I wonder what is happening outside. Look at the snow; I could be skiing right now.”

 

Stage 3: The Pain

Whether it the big chainring on an incline or “speed ups,” you feel the pain in your legs, grit your teeth, and pedal pedal pedal.

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“Oh man oh man my legs my legs. THEYYYY BURRRRNNNNNN OMGGGGGGGG.”

Stage 4: Your Second Wind

Between sets, your heart rate comes down a bit, and the burning legs ceases.

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“Grrrr.F-ck the burn, I’ve got this. This is EASY! Eye of the tiger, baby, eye of the tiger. BRING IT!”

Stage 5: Depression and sadness

With more sets, and increasing leg burn, you become depressed and sad, questioning life and why you have to be on this stupid machine.

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“I never did anything to deserve this. All I want to do is be outside.”

Stage 6: Mental breakdown

At this point, the workout is almost done. Your legs feel like they are no longer a part of your body. You feel like giving up all together. Flashes of your life start flooding your brain. Your eyes well with tears from the pain.

 

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“Why me, God, why meeeee?”

Stage 7: The Finish

You’ve finished the cool-down; you have completed the workout. Life feels like it is full of rainbows and sunshine. Relief, happiness, and joy fill your body. It.Is.Done.

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“Pshh, that was easy.”

Happy Trainer-Riding!

Ending notes:

Yes, I realized that my earphones were all knotted up, but you can’t untangle headphones while in pain. I feel like Roseanne Roseannadanna pointing out that “little bead of sweat on her nose” when flipping through the photos. 

 

 

 

 

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Girrrrl…You Be Fine in Those….Pearl Izumis?!?

Nah, I’m only kidding.  It’s almost impossible to look good in padded, spandex shorts–unless you are one of those “less-than-3-percent-body-fat-getting-paid-to-ride-all-those-miles” athletes out there. Believe you me, if I was paid to bike, perhaps I would be able to model cycling gear. And, as much as I think I’m close to looking like the Assos™ model below, I’m further than looking that way in Pearl Izumis™ than circling the entire universe twenty times.

Do you think she rides? I mean, if she is modeling cycling bibs, she must.

Seriously, how often do you see riders strutin’ their stuff in cycling gear when off the bike? Usually, there is a mad dash to the baggy pants or shorts once a ride is over with (there are exceptions, of course…Races, mostly). Really. I’m starting to think that I should start downhill biking. Those riders have it figured out:

(1) The knee pads, elbow pads….Heck, full body armour. I could have used that on my fall fests mountain bike rides.

(2) Baggy baggy. No doubt, there are usually padded tighter garments underneath, but who knows? With the shorts, long jersey… you could be hiding all sorts of stuff under your clothes (not that I do that…But, if I were to, my wads of tissues and chap sticks wouldn’t be all over the place).

(3) You still get the thrill of riding, and keep all body parts nicely hidden and, well, hidden.

She’s got the idea.

The thought of how I must look was brought to my attention the other morning at 0430 when I was caught on the torture device–sweating more than the average person, in those great pearl izumis and sports top. I’ve mentioned it before: no one under any circumstance is allowed to see me on the indoor trainer. My man included. But alas, he did not know me when I first started riding indoors, and although we’ve joked about how one day, I will have my own “workout space,” he has never actually seen me in the act. And, he didn’t get the memo of “let the house burn down before you dare see me,” as I nearly died of a heart attack that morning when he appeared at my side. The blaring “Energy 52’s Cafe Del Mar” from my iPod silenced everything around me out; yes, that is what I listen to; hence not hearing him approach.

“WHAT THE–GO! YOU CAN’T SEE ME!” I screeched, ripping out my ear phones.

“I’ve never actually seen you on the TD.”* My man even calls the trainer the “torture device” now. I told him once I would get him one for Christmas, so he can ride inside like all the cool kids when it is super cold out, but his mental images of me falling off and how “dangerous they are” has him swearing never to get on one.

“Well, that is for a reason. Go…Run…Or something.” Yes, I’m Miss Pleasant Personality when on the trainer, even to those I love, ignoring his attempts to save himself with his, “but you look great” comments. Now, the Fox Racing™ downhill long-sleeve jersey and shorts will be worn while on the trainer.

Despite my unflattering, fashion backwards cycling-running-scrubs- or, everything in my ownership, Tom Ford and Óscar de la Renta would hail my amazing fashion sense as of late. Yup, I actually bought a real person shirt, grown up jeans…AND boots. All you fashionistas out there better watch your backs cause this girl does in fact know a thing or two about how to ‘work-itttt’ in kick-butt high-heeled boots and skinny jeans.** So, I might still have issues actually walking in the boots (going down stairs is a real kicker), but I have them to drool over. Furthermore, the sneakers and new carbon cycling shoes I acquired the same time as my amazing shopping spree might just get more wear and tear than the boots…Pshh, minor details.

**Somehow, wearing tight jeans is okay compared to tight padded athletic leggings, especially in boots you can’t walk in.

When was the last crazy post written?

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