Dearest X,
As the blogging world knows you as “X” or “K” or “The Man,” to me, you will, and always will be, mine.
I know that life has brought its challenges, to both with you and me. And I apologize for those long awkward silences in cars whilst you would drive when I would attempt to keep the tears streaming from behind my glasses a secret from you, in fear that you would judge me….Or judge my ability to be that strong independent girl who always kept it together. And this kind of scares me, because it has never happened before.For the 26 years I have never had to hide myself from another being– lest alone, an amazing one at that.
For years I have spent protecting myself from love–from the possibility of a man loving me. Furthermore after different times of heatbreak…ones which I feel happened right after the other, I gave up on the possibility of love.
But you, Kevin, are different from all those other men who’ve caused me heartbreak and anguish.
Kevin, (and yes I am referring to you by your real name…let the blogging world know), I love you.
This past year as we’ve grown to know each other as people, I grew to know a man who is honest, sincere, accepting, and loving. It doesn’t matter whether or not I still cannot ride over certain obstacles—you merely stop and tell me it is okay if I cannot ride over–that it is difficult–that one day I will to make it …
We’ve shared numerous bike rides of different kinds, experimented with new dishes, gone cross country skiing, fished in the back yard pond, taken a couple road trips, gone for evening walks after dinner, or simply gone for walks, picking out the houses in a different life we would want. We swam at Lake Onteora for the first time together with high hopes the rope swing would be there, only to find it was no longer there.
I apologize for those nights after work, or me working 12+ hours away, not coming home to meals specially prepared by you, because you already knew I would be an emotional rollercoaster by the time i got home.
You kill or trap spiders on my walls for me, listen to me rant, and never complain. You tell me, whether or not my day at work was shitty– that I am still an amazing nurse….If one batch of cookies comes out bad, I always have another time to make them,
And despite the person inside me who wants to be perfect at anything I do, I do know that it takes time to navigate the perfect line on a bunch of crooked rocks in order to ” flow over them whenever I ease,” while on a mountain bike, and a long life ahead of me to do athletic events that I want.
You know me better than anyone–you know exactly what I am thinking, and are definitely the voice of reason between us, i.e. when I was sick from Lyme you told me not to do a race I really wanted to do, knowing that if I did attempt it, I would not get the result I wanted, leaving me with a heavy heart….Which is exactly what would have happened.
One day, I promise, I will be able to ride over those ridges with ease; without you having to wait for me. I will finish the line; I will finish my baked good or what have you. I will finish it, with a smile on my face, and you to thanks.
And, the thing is, whether you gave me a hug or made dinner for me–the moment you held me in your arms I knew I was safe and loved, and everything would be okay.And after one full year…
Kevin, I love you.
Pure and simple. You are the man who has saved me from my fears, taught me to face my fears and have loved me unconditionally. And for that, I love you, X, “the Man,” or for the first time ever spoken, Kevin.My best friend,and teacher.
Love, Me
A Rendezvous with Sneakers 